What is the end of this game ?

 Hey guys...

Its me again... it has been awhile i didnt blogging here.

i was in chaos moment at the moment, with new person in the house..

new baby... now a month already but still adapting.

the hectic part is when Inarah my second child, is diagnosed as autism and hyperactive syndrome. and to handle her consumed us more energy than before, plus dengan baby baru lagi Amani.

luckily my first child, Aisyah is very helping me in any way she can help. she is good, mature and very helpful kid. i'm grateful for that, Thank You Allah.

But since we're pregnant the third child, i guess my husband didnt learnt at all. berubah lepas kes merayu-rayu on Jan 2022, cuma dalam 2-3 months je. and after a month i were tested positive pregnant, mula balik perangai lama.

ustaz cakap orang takkan bertahan lama menyembunyikan sifat buruk mereka. and he's baran since dulu lagi, so it's not that easy for him to change. 2-3 months isnt enough yet, and he cannot hide.

day by day, i started to hate my pregnancy journey bcs dua-dua journey sama je perangai and what i've been through while my pregnancy. baran, marah-marah, never think about my pain and all.

long story short, sampai la my end of 38 weeks dah nak bersalin i was tested positive covid. it's hurt. dengan sakit pregnant nya, waiting for my labour kan. and symptom of covid yg aku hadap for the second time ni sama je mcm first time kena covid. i had all those sakit tekak, flu, fever, sakit badan for a week.

warded at HSA, and wad covid panas nak mampus i tell you. very hot sebab depa nak we all berpeluh so that cepat baik lah. but in pregnant condition, memang dah sedia panas berpeluh moody, memang sangat-sangat panas mcm banjir dah badan aku.

it was very hurtful moment and i dont want to go through it again. last night at HSA, we had an argument. sampai tahap gaduh and i asked him to let me go after i deliver. ok, dengan keadaan aku macam tu pun nak cari gaduh lagi, why cant you be a good husband sekejap. calm me down and be a good listener. but not, he chose to be a slut that night, hurting my feelings.

a week after, i went to HSA back for final checkup sebab baby besar and there must b a decision. nak normal or czer so yadayadaya, czer. lepas czer semua ok, he's being good pula padahal we argue and mcm nak cerai lepas bersalin tapi balik HSA he's being good lah. taking care of me and baby, masak and all. 

he really being nice to me for that 2 weeks after czer. masa pantang haritu pun demam, i can see clearly dia very worried seeing me in that condition. yelah, dengan luka czer lagi susah nak bangun lepastu demam and post covid effect lg batuk-batuk. dia betul-betul jaga dengan baik. i really appreciate what he did for me. rasa macam ok i love him so much for that. kita kan perempuan memang suka bila lelaki care kat kita. i started to accept him back.. and forget what we argue before...

and 3 weeks after i deliver, which means still in pantang mode, we argue back.... starting from isu masak and drag sampai comparing siapa lg penat. dia penat kerja and aku pula penat jaga anak-anak and Amani pula jenis high need baby which kena dukung and layan dia je 24/7. 

realizing our commitment dah bertambah and our responsibility also sebab dah ada 3 kids. we both not getting enough rest.... plus to take care Inarah as she is special kid, memang very very exhausted for both of us... we didnt hv our me time together, more time arguing who's contribute more in family and who's more tired among us... and now we're arguing more than we berbaik... contoh 5 hari gaduh, 2 hari berbaik and then we will argue back.. it is very tiring for me... i dont like this situation, it's like killing me slowly. my mental health has dropped , i couldnt think any more other than divorce.

tapi memikirkan if we divorce, we will separate the kids. off course dia akan ambil Inarah. and i wont see her frequently, Aisyah will miss her adik , dah selalu main sama kan. All of these really draining my energy and emotion. i really hv thought all those consequences. if we divorce or not divorce. both hurting me. nak berpisah dengan anak sakit... menahan rindu tu sakit. i've been there masa dia bawa lari Inarah dulu..

sakitnya menahan rindu tu Ya Allah... i cant. tak mampu nak jauh dengan anak lagi. i want her to grow up in front of me. maybe it's the decision... frankly speak i cannot and i am not able to take care my 3 kids alone. penat. i still need him to help. maybe i should stay, until my daughters besar sikit. need to stable my job first. 

i think i've made a decision. for me, and kids.